Why can't you commit to anything at the moment?

At present, we have a planning horizon of less than four weeks. Accurately, between one day and two weeks. If we want to make plans for anything other than IVF, we either have to put IVF on hold to do so, or make plans which are subject to cancellation if anything IVF-related clashes with them. It's not practical to put IVF on hold for most things (including international visitors).

(Also, let me just say this: "Gosh, having kids really does put a hole in your ability to plan things!" and give that head shake and martyrly sigh again. Excellent. So much better.)

What's wrong with "some things just weren't meant to be"?

When someone says this, or something like it, there are two possibilities.

1. They might be voicing the opinion that, when things in life get hard, one should throw up one's hands in defeat, in which case I beg to differ.


2. They might be trying to make soothing noises, in which case I regret to tell them they are failing spectacularly. If I can redirect their efforts: "Ooh, gosh, that's terrible. I really hope things get better for you soon."

What's wrong with giving advice, making recommendations, or telling heartwarming stories of hope?

Nothing wrong with it per se. The following are examples of ways in which you can very helpfully do so:

• I read something the other day about such-and-such a thing. Would you like me to send it to you/tell you about it?


• I know this person who did something-or-other. Would you like me to tell you their story?

Please don't be offended or discouraged if the answer is "no". Your next piece of information might be highly useful and we would hate to miss that! And besides, we do appreciate the thought. However, please understand there is a high chance you are about to tell us:

• stuff we already know to death


• something completely irrelevant to our situation


• a story so heartwarmingly hopeful it will cause me to have a minor panic attack just thinking about the number of horrible things that couple went through before gaining eventual success

- which is why I reserve my right to say, "No, but thanks."


If you are about to phrase your suggestion/story in any of the following ways, please stop:

• You should...


• If I was you, I'd...


• So-and-so's doctor told them to...


• It might be a good idea if you...


• Don't worry, I know a couple who...

("Why don't you...?" also skates on thin ice, depending on your tone of voice.)

Suggestions and stories phrased like this come across as thinly-veiled ways of saying, "You've got nothing to worry about!" and, "Clearly, you can't look after yourself properly." Which isn't what you meant.